Scribbles of a Student

 MOVED BLOGS ------------------------------->  http://danstraw.tumblr.com/ Goodbye Livejournal.

I'd like to start this entry with a question, what is fiction? Fiction is something of make believe or with no factual evidence behind it - A lie. Today I have learned that I have been living in fictional situation. What I discovered today is that someone that claims too be very close to me quite clearly does not know me at all. 
    I'm not really sure how to take this. I've been lead to believe that we had a rather decent friendship but alas I have been informed of otherwise, this said friend has decided that it was perfectly logical to start bitching about me, now the concept of said bitching does not bother me in the slightest as I go by the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you". Which is very true, however on learning on what was said the bitch comments or not just comments based on lies.
   I can't really get my head around why they would feel the need to lie about me when talking about me with others as it just doesn't make sense at all but now I know how they really feel it has opened my eyes too other less obvious things this person does. They have a motive unknown to myself, I'm really annoyed about this but I'm not going to let it continue if they want to play games then I just want to let them know I'm ready to start playing. 

For some reason today I feel down. I feel down because I've realised I can't handle things when they become too "real". What I mean by this is whether it be something good or bad coming may why I'm always okay with the idea of it happening, of something changing. The actual event is a completely different story, recently I was asked what my fear was and I couldn't really give a real answer.
    Other answers from other  people where cliché such as spiders or the dark but now I feel I know what mine is. It's failure. Now I don't mean in the sense of from aspiring to something to then fail. I mean with general things in life. If something gets to good, I'm waiting for a negative outcome and these outcomes scare me. It's almost like I can be so happy with the way things are going only to wonder of what will happen or how it will affect something else in a negative way, I'm just not used to good things happening to me and when they do I'm not sure how to deal with them.
     I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here...So maybe i'll just leave it here for now, I just needed to write it down to try and make sense of it. 

      So much has happened since my last entry and from the last time I posted on this site. I feel I have changed as a person. My ideas and what I want after university. My career in the film industry seems to be progressing on to a higher level of improving my filming experience which after Met TV is now the "Prix Europa" competition that me and my friend Allen entered back in March/April time.
      This competition lead to a trip in Amsterdam as part 1 of the 2 part process of the film competition, this summer I'll be spending my time making the said film with a budget of 5000 Euros. Whilst on this trip Volcanic ash decided to appear, extending our trip in Amsterdam a further couple of days. In this time I feel I changed, I ended up stranded in a foreign country with 3 other people 2 of which I barely knew. It was like some sort of comedy of 4 completely different characters that would never want to be stuck together. Not only did we now have to pay for food, we had to cover our extra accommodation and transport. The whole experience was interesting as it meant the 4 of us had to stick by each and other people from various film schools across Europe, it is easy to say those extra few days will stay with me for the rest of my life, I believe that because of the unlikely-ness of the situation it has shaped me in the way of how I looked what was to come after uni.
         I've decided now I want to travel, no more do I feel that there is just a large black hole waiting for me after uni, it justs means I need to get a little more serious about everything earlier than I wanted too. Its time to get inspired again, time to be creative again and most importantly time to enjoy things again. I say this in the midst of my essays but this time around I know I will get them done. I want to do well and I want to take things much more seriously than I have, my life has been filled with opportunities recently and I'm not prepared to throw them away.
          Good things are happening and my life is changing, its time to let this happen.   

    I'm not really sure why but I feel like I'm meant to have learnt something today. My mind is swimming with questions and its because of last night; going out and seeing some of my old school friends, although the night was fun I feel like its raised a lot of questions. Maybe the same questions as before but none the less questions. 
     I did a good amount of walking today which gave me time to think about everything and how my world works there was a moment in particular which I think gave me a large amount of closure. It made me realise that sometimes maybe I'm not allowed to have exactly what I want not because I don't deserve them, just in my way of living certain things stop other things from happening its like almost a realisation that certain things can't be changed.

Its been just over a month since my last entry and obviously now I've turned 20. I'm back at home at my mum's for easter living a life that I'm no longer too familiar with, I've been back just under a week and yet again I'm confused about the large majority of things both big and small. Like most uni students I'm sort of treating being back home a little like a holiday as I feel there is much I need to reacess as life in Leeds recently has become somewhat too stressful to deal with.
     Amongst this stress is that I was recently robbed of a lot of my stuff including my laptop and uni bag which had one of my film cameras in as annoying as this is I'm not overly upset by it as I'd like to think I'm not too materialised but then this leads me to wonder what type of person I am and the truth is I don't really know, its almost like I can't decide who or what I want to be and I feel lost in this notion and feel like I can't really talk to anyone about for fear they won't understand or more to the point that I won't understand it myself. It feels like the more I think about the more I dwell and confuse myself about it, when in these thoughts I often think about the "what if" and seem to picture myself somewhere else, doing something different which constantly makes me question why I'm doing what I'm doing with my life right now.
     In all honesty I'm very bothered by this and it makes me feel like I'm holding myself back. From what I do not know, what I do know is that I'm tired of feeling this way a lot has happened in the past month a lot of memories I'd rather not share on here and so I'm not going too as I'm not expecting any sympathy I just want the satisfaction of knowing that I'm not just saying this stuff in my head.

 So far this year I have managed a total of 4 entries. So far 2010 has turned out a rather dismal year, it doesn't feel like anything has gone particularly right so far, it just seems busy, fast and scary.
        I'm 20 in less than 2 weeks and I've never felt my age as much as I know I will when becoming 20, I feel like I'm on target with things in life but not quiet there. Certain things are sit on the horizon but judging how close they are is a different matter. I can't seem to get my head around a large amount of things recently and to be honest it tires me.
        You'd think with the age comes a little bit of wisdom but that's far from the truth, there are a lot of things going off lately and I'm not sure where to place my attention, I'm trying to keep it based around my work/career path but its just difficult to keep focused. If I had to sum up how I feel right now in 3 words they would be; confused, worried and tired. In fact those 3 words could also sum up my life right now with a side of busy to go.

 Perhaps I have gone slightly mad. I've convinced myself many a time before writing this post that I have indeed posted since the 2nd of January. Evidently it appears I haven't after checking too see just moments ago. On that note I'm going to discuss TWENTY TEN this far.
     Okay in earlier posts I began talking about how this year I have all the intention of change being my main point of focus, so far I have changed nothing about my life style which is disappointing and just shows epic fail on my behalf. Bearing this in mind I feel like I'm starting to change myself, mentally rather than physically. I'm thinking about things more, I'm thinking and wanting change and slowly very slowly I can feel this happening, its only a matter of time until it begins to show. My biggest problem in hindering the change I think is "will power" - First of all what the hell is it? Secondly how do I get some of that shit.
     It sounds like it should be a energy drink or something and placed next to drinks like "Lucozade" on the shop shelf along with the rest of the drinks I never pay any attention too. I'm a straight for coke type of guy me (though I am neither straight and nor do I sniff lines of coke), to get to the point that I am trying to make here; what I am saying is that I don't read between the lines of things. I don't hesitate with things that will hindered me later on as simply I don't think about them. I don't seem to put two and two together half the time and that one action will probably more than likely around 97.4% of the time, it will affect the outcome of the next action which again probably more than likely will also be affected with dire consequences and I know this, but the question is will I ever learn? 
    Frankly I'm going to be honest, no I won't. I won't learn and I can't learn. What I have realised is that I can learn too at least have some control over it. I don't want to throw away everything for a few years of fun, I now know that if I can control myself by thinking of the potential issues a certain action may cause that if they are bad, its probably not a good idea to do it in the first place. 
    Completely clashing against this idea however are two factors for me they are; 1. the idea of losing spontaneity  and 2. growing up. I've now read that last line over a good few times and every time it manages to make my stomach flip but its time to accept that life, if want to make something of it anyway isn't all soft, fully clouds. Its solid cold ground; but that's okay. Life shouldn't be easy and if you were to have fun all the time you'd never appreciate the real fun times.
     I've learnt this year that to get rewards later I have to put in the effort now whilst at uni, whilst its okay to mess up. I'm  saying I'm going to change completely and I know I'm most certainly not more than likely, at least not in all areas. I can safely say 2010 is leading me down a rather different path than expected it too. I'm changing, maybe not in the ways intended but I know one thing, little Dan is growing up.  

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I produced my first budgeted film at uni, I went to London on my own terms, tired drugs and had the realisation that there not for me. Generally lived on no money at all. Figured myself out a bit more.


2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and yes I have done


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes :) my Antie Jo and my cousin Natalie of whom both had a lovely baby girl each.


4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year luckily.


5. What countries did you visit?
Scotland and just various parts of England.


6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money and more inspiration to make the effort.


7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Anywhere from the 19th of October to the 11th December as I spent much of it stressed, alone, tired and very poor, haha.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.


9. What was your biggest failure?
Same as last year, lacking in money.


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really bar the odd scratch or two.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new laptop and half a PD170 camera, oh and my SLR camera.


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Alex Peace - She as always been amazing and so very happyful with me being poor this year.
Keighly Brown - She makes everything fun when I get back home and when we do have phone calls its time for a good old bitch :)
Sascha Wigend - We have so many fun times and always laugh at silly things
Sean Morrison - Generally he has been like a stress ball for me this year haha
Allen Turing - Kept me same throughout the nurses through time production.
Alex Greaves - Full of creative ideas and very inspiring.
Tom Chadwick - For being a lazy bastard and allowing me to cook for him to improve my skills :)
Nat Powell - For cigs, wine and nights in

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Some members from my production group earlier this year and a certain housemate.


14. Where did most of your money go?
Back to where it came from in the first place, to the people :P



15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The second year of uni, having a job, our big production, Sheffield Doc-Fest, London for new year and back in the summer, christmas at home


16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Bedouin Soundclash - St.Andrews


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier

ii. Thinner or fatter? about the same

iii. Richer or poorer? Slightly richer just slightly


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling again, taken more photos


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Waste days smoking


20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with my family and then working


21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2008?
Alot of things as every year.


22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope


23. How many one-night stands?
Not really one night stands I saw them at least 2 or 3 times but its 4 in total


24. What was your favorite TV program?
Misfits



25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes, Dave whatever his face is...dick. (Not Dave Smith)


26. What was the best book you read?
"A Child Called It"



27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Temper Trap and general dubstep


28. What did you want and get?
A part time job, though it was only temp.



29. What did you want and not get?
Clear all my debts. FAIL.



30. What was your favorite film of this year?
500 Days of Summer



31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19 and it was erm...interesting, a popped tyre, stranded and toed in a car pretty much sums it up



32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again more money.


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Better but less colourful


34. What kept you sane?
Cigs, friends, the will to continue to live :P



35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy most?

Erm I don't really know.


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The general election


37. Who did you miss?
Family, Keighly and Alex.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Matt Johnstone


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Friends will always be there for you in times of need.


40. If you could sum up 2009 in three words, what would they be?

poor, failure, change

Hello 2010. Your finally here, my year of change bringing with you a whole new decade to shape out. Its scary when thinking about it, when I think back to what the last 10 years really mean to me. Of course is all cliche with growing up and finding who you are what you want to do and so forth but I feel the close of the "noughties" (I know it sounds stupid) really has made me think what I want out of life and where I need to go from here.
New years eve was fantastic, London was so much fun and it was a nice feeling having done it rather than just suggesting it. Roaming the streets of London along with 250,000 was an experience I don't think I will forget for a long time, I've made so many memories over the past few days and have now decided that I will be living there after university as my friend Alex feels the same as well. We have a plan to attempt to start setting aside money to fund a flat in London when the time comes in just under 2 years, we've looked at flats and seen the price range so we know what we are looking at. It feels nice to have a plan which also leads me to say I plan to do a masters in cinematography or if I can change it to photography. I feel its my calling after producing Nurses Through Time. This year I want to learn more, focus more and get down to concentrating fully on my degree. There are other things again it sounds cliche but things like stop smoking and get fit though until I get back to Leeds I'm not thinking about it.
Another thing I'm excited about this year is that this year I will FINALLY be out of debt with people I owe money too and so I can start saving for things I want and want to do. I feel alot more serious about everything this year and don't plan on failing. Something to tackle this year in Leeds is to get myself some part time work again now that my contract at Argos has finished which when leaving was a bit of a anticlimax, not even a "nice working with you" from my manager but oh well I'm just a number in a big company like Argos and so its to be accepted.
So just to sum this up, things to do/change this year:

- Save and budget money.
- Improve health and appearance.
- Focus more.
- Find some form of employment.
- Up my portfolio of work outside of university.